Closing Time....

So…it is 4:13 AM according to the clock on the  Scratching Post (which is what I named my computer when asked), and I can’t sleep.  A million things have been going through my head.  It started with a dream.  There were golden feathers touching my skin.  Gold like the Sun, not like the metal.  Then, Chris.  And, Grandma Bev.

Grandma Bev’s death is the only other one I’ve had this kind of reaction to.  Chris helped me through it.  Now there isn’t anyone here who I can bury my face in and sob.  Even writing it, it sounds pathetic.  It was pathetic how much I cried after I got off the phone with my sister.  She had sent me  email hoping it reached me because I was in the time of great non-communication  with my family.  Chris didn’t make me feel pathetic, though, and I wasn’t ashamed of my tears.  For the record, I’m not ashamed of them now, either.

So, they were there.  These two people who both subtly influenced the man you all know today.  Each of them in their way made me ok with me, the world around me, and how I fit into it.  Why, though?  I know that our loved ones watch us from beyond.  Not in the way you believe something because your brain can’t cope with the reality that someone is gone.  I know.   Some very very spiritually in-tune people once delivered a message from Bev that could only have come from her.  Something only a woman who had known me all my life would say.  I don’t need reminded.

In fact, I need them to keep some distance.  I need to deal with the loss in some healthy way; sadly, they only reminded me of it.  I’m DAMNED sick of losing things, but I need to let them go.  Since I woke from the 20 minute nap to this dream, I’ve replayed a lot in my head.  My apartment in Olympia, Katrina, friends I’ve never got to say enough words to, the one night I spent rolling around my floor with Mikey, and the furniture I left behind I moved into this place were all in there somewhere.  All things I’ve lost, or given up because I “had to.”

At risk of sounding trite, it isn’t fair.  To anyone who has to go through it, really.  I’m sick of losing things, saying goodbye, and feeling empty. 

To be fair (and so I don’t sound like an ungrateful git), I do cherish all of the things I do have.  Depending on your outlook on life, I am blessed, charmed, etc., etc.  Things work themselves out mostly, and I’m very happy in my current apartment (before and after pics to be posted on Google+ and Facebook) and I’m utterly elated that I found it before I gave up my kitten.  It really is everything I always kind of imagined (sans a bedroom).

Anywho, I’m hoping that the last of this coffee-flavored vodka did the trick and I can drift off into slumber before I begin the hunt for a new phone tomorrow.